Inspired by others in another place I thought I'd share my story.

 I guess I knew from a really early age, looking back now it seems quite comical. Quite how anyone whose first records were Grease, Abba, Kids from Fame and Anita Ward's "Ring my Bell" could ever be thought straight, I do now wonder. That I was told I could not buy Adam and the Ants because it would corrupt me seems even more ridiculous...

Anyway, I knew pretty much in my teens I was, except I knew I couldn't be. I was infected with the CofE meme, and it had me back. I grew up in the Bells and Smells wing of the church, and knew that I would suffer eternal damnation for such thoughts, let alone such actions, and late night watchings of films of Channel 4 hoping for a sign of the warning triange didn't help matters much!

I went through school not amazingly happy, but I did well. I had a friend at school who was out at 15, yet I could never reconcile my own personal feelings and couldn't accept it myself. The fact I had a massive crush on one of my best friends is again something that should have given me more of a clue, but hey...

I went to University and worked away, had a busy social life, but almost deliberately didn't have a personal life.  I went through the whole of university and school without a girlfriend.  I had, again, a very good friend who was a lot older than me and gay, I came close several times to talking to him about it, but never did for fear that it meant I was. If I never spoke about it, it couldn't be true.

I chose a job to go into that would keep me busy, and if I wanted too busy to have a personal life; I became a teacher.

I threw myself into the job, and worked every day and night, and most weekends. That was back in 1994. The process of me dealing with it was very very long. Very long indeed. Almost impossibly long.

I came close in, I think, '96. One Christmas I spoke to my good friend Jenny and said that I thought I was gay. She told me that she had an idea, and that Michael (the friend at University) had told her I probably was but it would take me a long time to deal with it. The big problem was still the CofE meme. I continued to do nothing. 

It was then that something life changing happened. Back in early '98 I'd been battling with things, and I snapped. Just like that. One afternoon everything changed. I broke down, went home, and that was that. I couldn't cope with "The Religion Thing" and my sexuality. I saw a councellor, possibly the best thing that ever happened to me, a chance to talk to someone without them saying "I know, that happened to a friend of mine...." or "It's just like when I...". Through that I realised the three big problems were "The Religion Thing", my sexuality and my job. They needed to sorted. This was the single most important thing that ever happened - I often refer to it as my crash, when I needed to be rebooted. It worked, I got perspective and started to regain my confidence.

The first thing to be sorted was my job, I quit my job in teaching and took a two year contract with the local University and a local IT firm working on schools based IT projects. I never went back. I suddenly had time on my hands, and I could relax.

Newly emboldened I spoke to the local vicar about it, and the best help he could offer was that I should "shop around" for a church that didn't have a problem with it. That was troublesome at best, if there was one God, how could chosing a different building stop me rotting in hell? It was at that point that I lost the God Meme.

The following New Year I was working in London on a conference, I had to travel to London and back in a day, and somehow the guard never checked my ticket either way; I had an open return ticket to London "unused"!  I made plans, I drove to a village about 30 miles away, bought a copy of Gay Times, and drove back. I booked a hotel, and theatre show as cover, and went to London for the weekend. I went into one of the haunts, and spent the evening sitting at the bar listening to the barman with the gorgeous Quebecois accent...

I went home and did nothing.

Easter was rapidly arriving, and Queer as Folk was on the TV. I decided that I needed to do something too. I got a new copy of Gay Times, and looked through the listings trying to find somewhere to go. Knowing nothing of the scene in Nottingham, Leicester or Derby, I closed my eyes and stabbed it with a pin. I picked "The Vine" in Derby, I went, walked past several hundred times, and finally dived in, only to be manhandled by a rather forceful woman who told me to take a seat, take a card, and join in. Yup, my first proper attempt at coming out involved me going to Lesbian Bingo Night.

I went home annoyed and angry at myself, my friend Jenny found it hillarious. Determined to do something, the next night I went to Nottingham, only to find the place empty - latterly I found out that it was the night when something big happened elsewhere, and noone went to Nottingham that day.

By now I  was really angry. So for the third night running, I tried... And this time I went to Freddies Bar in Derby. Finally I was able to enjoy myself, and went along to Curzons later in the evening. The next day I was grinning from ear to ear, and couldn't help but start to tell my friends. No one seemed amazingly shocked or surprised, much to my annoyance.

A few weeks later a work colleague who I'd long suspected of being gay, but who was married with two kids, confided in me at work, despite me not being out at work... It shocked me a bit. We went out together, to protect each other as much as anything, and went to Leicester, Nottingham, Derby, whereever.

I then hit an amazingly lucky break, work sent me to California for the best part of a month, and I had a fantastic time on the West Coast, the downside was that sleepy old Derby and Nottingham never felt the same again, and increasingly I didn't go out on the scene, pissed off with the attitudes I encountered there.

Things pottered along, I spent more weekends with my friends in London than in the East Midlands, until my work colleague and friend bullied me into going out in Nottingham for the night. I did, and that's when I met Nigel. The rest, as they say, is a whole new book.